OkCupid, Kill Me

He's a catch!

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 15:28:49 -0500

Submitted by P.

"I’m trying to figure out if redheads have souls."

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 11:25:24 -0500

“I’m trying to figure out if redheads have souls.”

- Submitted by L.

Submitted by C.

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 11:30:09 -0500

Submitted by C.

Call me Ms. Burton if you're nasty...

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 11:24:47 -0500

I had mentioned that I was pretty good at classic rock trivia in my profile, and she just starts riffing on it in her intro message…

Submitted by T.

"P.S. (and not to be weird/creepy) but you have a very warm smile; bees must follow you around..."

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 18:35:18 -0500

“P.S. (and not to be weird/creepy) but you have a very warm smile; bees must follow you around attracted to the warm honey which surely exudes from your mouth.”

- after an HOUR on OkCupid, 61 notifications (one of them being THIS)

This is why I “love” OKcupid. Submitted by L.

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 11:21:41 -0500

This is why I “love” OKcupid.

Submitted by L.

Being intentionally rude is not refreshing OR a turn-on. It just makes you a jerk.

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 13:21:52 -0500

Submitted by I.

Submitted by Anonymous.

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 11:24:27 -0500

Submitted by Anonymous.

Submitted by L.

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 11:17:30 -0500

Submitted by L.

What a great first message. Please, do tell me all about your horrible dates.

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 11:22:55 -0500

Nice pic! :) How was new years? Mine was alright. Well actually no it was pretty unfortunate. I had a really wierd date, from this very site no less. She actually brought another person who she said quote “..thinks he’s going on a date with me..” Hahaha yeaaa good stuff. How bout that. Life eh?

Submitted by L.

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS.

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 12:28:00 -0500

This is your chance at fame, fortune (cookie thoughts), and anonymous immortality (of course it doesn’t defeat the purpose, silly).

Submit your worst to Ok Cupid, Kill Me and you could be feeling better about your lonely, desperate life in no time, flat.

Simply buzz through your OKCupid inbox, and seek out those messages that were waaaay to creepy/awful/just sad to respond to, but waaaay too good to delete.

Then, visit our submission page and throw it into a text post if it’s a message - or if you’d like some extra shadenfreude points, screencap your favorite profiles, photos, and conversations and use the photo submit option. Just be sure you block the facial features or recognizable elements. No one wants to cry into their ice cream because they were on our website. We just want them to speculate for decades about whether or not they were publicly shamed by an anonymous source. That’s all.

Submit today!

I have fantasies too you know....

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 11:22:00 -0500

Him: hello there there cinderella how are you? would you liek to chat ? or are you afraid of having a good time, grabing a bite to eat enjoying a nice chat and a few glasses of wine over sushi. Holding hands walking to the car to head back to your place. Watching a movie with the lights dimmed low,snuggled up on the couch cuddled up in each others arms not saying a word,feeling each others heart beat begining to race, not saying a word our eyes doing the talking.Our lips become one,you inhaling deeply with each kiss! I work my way around your neck softly and gently,as you close your eyes and exhale……… Mmmmm! Making our way to the bedroom were I lay you down closing your eyes once more as I continue to work my way around your neck over your beautiful breast across your belly going lower and lower! You giving me a silent command not to stop my runing your fingers through my hair, arching your back moaning,cersting your breast with your other hand. Mmmmm…….ooooooh!……As I work my way up to where our lips became one!…………….Mmmmm! ooooooh oooooh oooh im sorry did i take it to far?! lol

My response: Not far enough clearly… pretty soon it gets all hot and wet up in there… you never had it so good… 3 weeks later I call you… crying… pregnancy test in hand. You ask if I’m sure you’re the father… I call you a dick. You hang up on me. I call you back and it takes 12 calls before you finally answer. I hear a woman in the background, probably some whore you met on here. You tell me you’re sure you aren’t my baby daddy because you don’t play like that and you’re 65% sure you had a condom on… but you can’t really remember… it was a crazy night after all. Several months later I give birth to your spawn. Totally looks like you, it’s in the eyes. Your mother agrees, you tell her to shut the hell up. Ends up I have to take you to court for support. Clutching the DNA test in hand from the Maury show… you lose. You become an alcoholic and question your entire life’s purpose. You meet a hooker named Candy and she says something like “Damn son, you walked a long hard road to get to me, how about a discount?” For a loss at anything else to do you nod, quietly, sobbing into a Bud Lite… you hate Bud Lite… but you’re trying to cut back and it’s a good place to start. You ask her if she’s clean. Candy lies and doesn’t tell you she has AIDS. You find out you’ve been hit and get into a stem cell trial, I’m still waiting on last month’s check at this point, but you’re too afraid to tell me about the AIDS you just say that you made mistakes and you know now… for sure, that you should try to be a better father. You look into your son’s eyes and tell him “Be careful when writing to girls on the internet, you might want to try to get to know them as people first… or you might end up like me, alone and dying of AIDS. When I die, listen to your mother, she’s good people.”

You eventually waste away in a home, Candy by your bed (because it ends up she’s a good hooker like that). You cross to the other side full of regrets.

Oooo… hot.

Love,
Me.

Submitted by L.

… I can’t even Submitted by I.

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 11:22:01 -0500

… I can’t even

Submitted by I.

All I eat are twinkies

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 11:23:21 -0500

Him: Do fat girls make OKC accounts so that lots of horny guys on the internet can tell them that they’re beautiful despite all that twinkie eating?

Me: Ooh, rhetorical question time! Do douche-bags criticize fat girls on OkCupid to make themselves feel intelligent and superior when in reality they’re just dumb schmucks who can’t even get a girl to look at them twice?

Submitted by A.

We sould fight.

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:23:39 -0500

Im in renton im if im right we sould fight well I just love a good fight with someone with wit im a bit of an ass need a good friend/enemy to challenge me

Submitted by L.

The worst answer to this that I can think of is "poop."

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 11:25:28 -0500

if you were sitting on the beach and after a while you realized you were sitting on my face cos i had been buried in the sand with just my face above the surface would you get up or stay sitting?

Submitted by L.

Submitted by P.

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 11:26:00 -0500

Submitted by P.

A "set of haiku for you" is only ominous on OkCupid.

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 11:28:17 -0500

A set of haiku for you, inspired by that brutish picture…

She asked for one thing
she made me promise bruises
gently I obliged

She looked so angry
when promises of bruises
came true with such force

So from here I am not sure what direction to go. But I am good for conversations about subversion of authority, metaphysics, and perspectives on why the ocean is salty. Additionally, I am good for the adventure. I find acts of sabotage pleasurable, but acts of pleasure shouldn’t be sabotaged. Finally I know the best way to discover that the ocean is salty is to dive in, past midnight, when the water is darkest.

Submission.

"Don’t all relations start in a friend zone? I mean beside the truly sexual ones, of coarse."

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:24:12 -0500

“Don’t all relations start in a friend zone? I mean beside the truly sexual ones, of coarse.”

- Submission.

"You are so cute I want to swim in jello on the galapagos islands with Oprah, Lady Gaga, and Darth..."

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 13:24:29 -0500

“You are so cute I want to swim in jello on the galapagos islands with Oprah, Lady Gaga, and Darth Vader, you should join me next tuesday. Just be sure to bring some gummi bears and alcohol.”

- Is this a game of Mad Libs? Submitted by K.