OkCupid, Kill Me

39/M/Straight/Single

Subject: hi qt

Apr. 29, 2010 – 2:51pm

looking very seductive n sexy

Submitted by I:

My Self-Summary

Hey stranger.

Why am i here? is a question that most people probably ask when they reach this point of personal disclosure. I can reasonably say that i am here because i have a busy schedule and it wont hurt to hedge my commitments. haha.

So comes the time for me to express me. Well i just had the notion of trying to find the one notion or word to describe myself; instantly “fluid” came to mind.

So.. i’m fluid.

haha

I would say that i easily get along with anyone. Like how water can get in all the cracks of a surface; I have a tendency to find a niche interest wise which produces instant rapport between the roughest surfaces and myself.
As a fluid substance i would be water. The most nonchalant of the fluids. Water whose viscosity is so strong that it needs not seek others to be content. Water which can just lounge on a leaf and enjoy the ambiance of nature. Water which can feel right at home in the chaos of a wild water system belonging to a city such as ———-.

Water which when frozen expands. With it comes its originality and strength. Water which wont be clouded once mixed with oils or other such contaminants of ill nature.

Water which is present all around us and may be sitting right next to you in a glass but may require a closer look for one to truly see all the wonders it possesses.

Are you dehydrated?

Subject: Why OH GOD WHY did you do it?

Apr. 25, 2010 – 2:00pm

And frankly, you should be ashamed. I mean to think you could get away with such an egregious act… You probably don’t feel even the slightest bit of remorse. Because of your actions, close to 4,000 innocent (well I’m sure some of them weren’t so innocent) people will forever grow baby-blue pubic hair. And then there’s the hundreds who permanently have green nipples. Do you know how time consuming it is to apply make up on one’s nipples to have them appear even close to their original color? I don’t either, but I’m sure it’s a major inconvenience. Don’t get me started on what you did to all the poor puppies. Or the baby koalas. Or the baby pandas. Oh it pains me to even think about. I don’t know if I can hold back my welling tears to discuss your transgressions any further, but… But you know what you’ve done! Oh the humanity (and caninity, and koality, and pandity) of it all. Shame on you maddam, shame on you! I can only hope that you come own up to your insidious actions and do everything in your power to ameliorate your victims.

Oh, also, you are absurdly beautiful. 

~J**

Submitted by M:

You seem like a pretty cool and interesting person, so I thought I would send you an initial greeting. I’d like the opportunity to know more about you. :)

A quick little bit about me: I live in [redacted] and work as an IT operations specialist (computer networks/servers) for a fortune500 in Downtown [redacted]. My interests are pretty diverse; mostly movies, reading, music, science/technology, history, theatre, and socializing with friends (we can certainly talk in more detail about those in any future correspondence). I also want to be clear that I am Polyamorous as I have come to find that tends to be a dealbreaker for some people, even for friendships.

Overall, I am pretty open, so if there is anything you would like to know, just ask.

Hope to hear back from you soon.
Cheers,
J**

This reads like my college acceptance letter. And its from a guy that looks like my high school shop teacher.

Apr. 25, 2010 – 8:23am

Would you care to join me at the Art Institute of ******* and ******* exhibition in particular? It is a very important exploration into his work which changes how one must assess Modern Art.

Getting into you pants would not technically violate any of the immutable laws of the Universe but it seems highly unlikely. Besides I am an arrogant SOB and I have never had trouble in that dept, so there would be no expectation from me. You can be put at ease (although I am a guy and you are quite fair!) So I seek your friendship…Nothing more.

I am nothing but a temporal disturbance in the
reality of my non existence!

Submitted by V:

The six things I could never do without

air beer beer beer beer

Submitted by V:

My Self-Summary

I really love history, European particularly. Part of me feel ancient, like I have 6000 years of experiences. The other part feels around 26.

The rest of his profile appears to be about his love of cheese, with the exception of the section where he says he regularly participates in civil war reenactments. 

Apr. 25, 2010 – 11:49am

I liked your profile. My friend is moving to ******* and she is Bisexual. She was asking me if we could find a friend here to get together and do things and have fun. We are both Medical students. I am getting my license but she is still in school.

M***

Apr. 23, 2010 – 4:55am

hello how are you doing i was looking at your profile and sound really fun and interesting and i was wondering if you would like to chat and get to know each other well by the way im m****** a 27 year old white male from [redacted] im single and single and had 2 open heart surgery i was born with bad valves i love to ice skate and play ice hockey and going for long walks and chilling and cuddling and watching a good movie or just chilling and looking up at the stars from time to time just to think about life well just get to know me i wont break ur heart im kind and fun and love able and sweet and caring and i been hurt tomany times and heart broken so i know the feeling and it sucks well if would like to get to know me write me back what do we have to lose we might end up Liking each other

hey

Apr. 18, 2010 – 8:58pm

Do you realize that in your first pic, I can see your nipple? Not that I’m complaining, because it’s a very well formed nipple, but I was just curious if you knew or not. If so, then that top would be what you should wear on our first date next Saturday at say 4 pm Union Square?

Y***

My Self-Summary

Looking for girls to catfight with and have sex with a close female friend of mine, preferably while I watch, but that’s not necessary. She’s asian and prefers curvy asian girls. I prefer asian or white girls myself :)

(No subject)

Apr. 16, 2010 – 6:49pm

winkk

oh the cheese.

 Apr. 16, 2010 – 6:20pm

i’ve a feeling you could teach me a thing or two about cheese…
and maybe i mean that metaphorically more than any other way.

Message body:

you seem like barrels of awkward and raucous fun, sass and circumstance included. in all honesty, i am leaving the city within a month and a half and am more or less hoping for a lover for that period of time most distinctly, that being said i don’t have any intentions of not knowing said lover after wards… but instead hope to leave with a friend, with which there may or may not be a sexual relationship afterwards. i know this scenario is not impossible, as i am living the end form currently, calling many of those who were once lovers… now best friends… anyhow… you seem the smash, very well rounded and absolutely gorgeous… i myself am very considerate, compassionate, articulate, intelligent and so forth… not pushy in the least and over-all a very good fellow. let me know if this is of any interest to you or not. say hello either way if you don’t mind. it’d be nice to hear from you. i would gladly buy you a drink sometime soon. face to face is much more interesting generally.

i entreat:
let’s hit the ground running.
what you doing with your night tonight??

hope this finds you well.

HEY! HEY YOU GUYS! Don’t forget to submit your OK, Cupid horror stories to us! Seriously, because we seem to have scared everyone away from our own profiles.

My Self-Summary:

here I am..There you are..so let us get to know each other…

heard rockin things bout okcupid so wanted to join and meet all the awesome people on here

don’t hate me because I am beautiful

The first things people usually notice about me:

well if I am buck naked and facing you……