August 2012
17 posts
7 tags
He's a catch!
Submitted by P.
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“I’m trying to figure out if redheads have souls.”
– Submitted by L.
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Call me Ms. Burton if you're nasty...
I had mentioned that I was pretty good at classic rock trivia in my profile, and she just starts riffing on it in her intro message…
Submitted by T.
1 tag
“P.S. (and not to be weird/creepy) but you have a very warm smile; bees must...”
– after an HOUR on OkCupid, 61 notifications (one of them being THIS)
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Being intentionally rude is not refreshing OR a...
Submitted by I.
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What a great first message. Please, do tell me all...
Nice pic! :) How was new years? Mine was alright. Well actually no it was pretty unfortunate. I had a really wierd date, from this very site no less. She actually brought another person who she said quote “..thinks he’s going on a date with me..” Hahaha yeaaa good stuff. How bout that. Life eh?
Submitted by L.
4 tags
CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS.
This is your chance at fame, fortune (cookie thoughts), and anonymous immortality (of course it doesn’t defeat the purpose, silly).
Submit your worst to Ok Cupid, Kill Me and you could be feeling better about your lonely, desperate life in no time, flat.
Simply buzz through your OKCupid inbox, and seek out those messages that were waaaay to creepy/awful/just sad to respond to, but waaaay...
7 tags
I have fantasies too you know....
Him: hello there there cinderella how are you? would you liek to chat ? or are you afraid of having a good time, grabing a bite to eat enjoying a nice chat and a few glasses of wine over sushi. Holding hands walking to the car to head back to your place. Watching a movie with the lights dimmed low,snuggled up on the couch cuddled up in each others arms not saying a word,feeling each others...
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All I eat are twinkies
Him: Do fat girls make OKC accounts so that lots of horny guys on the internet can tell them that they’re beautiful despite all that twinkie eating?
Me: Ooh, rhetorical question time! Do douche-bags criticize fat girls on OkCupid to make themselves feel intelligent and superior when in reality they’re just dumb schmucks who can’t even get a girl to look at them twice?
Submitted...
5 tags
We sould fight.
Im in renton im if im right we sould fight well I just love a good fight with someone with wit im a bit of an ass need a good friend/enemy to challenge me
Submitted by L.
6 tags
The worst answer to this that I can think of is...
if you were sitting on the beach and after a while you realized you were sitting on my face cos i had been buried in the sand with just my face above the surface would you get up or stay sitting?
Submitted by L.
7 tags
July 2012
15 posts
6 tags
A "set of haiku for you" is only ominous on...
A set of haiku for you, inspired by that brutish picture… She asked for one thing she made me promise bruises gently I obliged She looked so angry when promises of bruises came true with such force So from here I am not sure what direction to go. But I am good for conversations about subversion of authority, metaphysics, and perspectives on why the ocean is salty. Additionally, I am...
6 tags
“Don’t all relations start in a friend zone? I mean beside the truly sexual...”
– Submission.
5 tags
“You are so cute I want to swim in jello on the galapagos islands with Oprah,...”
– Is this a game of Mad Libs? Submitted by K.
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Irony.
Ohmigosh, you’re adorable with your dimple… So adorable in fact I’m going to adopt you as my new little sister. Don’t worry, we’ll spend all our time together climbing trees and drinking kool-aid :-). Most important question I will ever ask you: “Golden slumbers fill your eyes/smiles awake you when you rise,” or “You and I have memories longer than...
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Let me be your plumber.
When I look at your pictures, I get drunk with desire. You radiate beauty like a star radiates light and it is intoxicating. We should talk. I want to be with you ! As anything… If you won’t let me be your husband or a lover, at least let me be some sort of pet or servant to you… A driver, a body guard, training partner, cook, maid, assistant, mechanic, plumber, handy...
6 tags
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Run away move house burn belongings
I’ve come to the conclusion that being in a cuckold relationship is pretty much a need for me, as opposed to a want. I don’t want to go through life in a vanilla relationship harbouring secret desires, and masturbating to the thought of my wife cheating on me when she’s not around. I thought to myself, I live life to the full, and push it to the limit in pretty much every other...
6 tags
You're still old.
I’m 19, the guy was 42.
Him: Liberal arts is where it’s at!
In dc now looking for new friends and adventures. Does that sound like something you’re interested in?
We could get wine and talk russian history and lit.
Me: I’m flattered, but I am also less than half your age. No thanks.
Him: Sure. I understand. But that extra age is just experience you shouldn’t...
5 tags
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...why, do you have some you'd like to sell me?
“hey, i am not trying to be rude or anything but would you be interested in casual friends with benefits?”
Submission.
5 tags
No egg salad, it smells like fries.
hey this week I was thinking of robbing a bank fleeing down to the ocean and faking my own death. “scuba tanks in the trunk”. r u in? ps u should probably bring some sandwiches or something. no egg salad though cause it smells like fries
Submission.
June 2012
53 posts
7 tags
Meet me for COCK tails?
I got this as a message. Did he think I’d go for it? To make everything worse his only picture was of his abs sans-head. Needless to say I passed up the opportunity. Submitted by E.
7 tags
What a romantic, II
Hey, did you know they’re actually paying for sperm donors now? What the hell, right? Had I known I wouldn’t have wasted all my sperm masturbating to your pictures. When we get dinner, you pick up the tab.
Submitted by M.
6 tags
OkCupid is not a beat. Or is it?
Hiya mate mick How you doing Keen to meet Love top me now [phone number omitted] Your place??
Submitted by J.
7 tags
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You know, because Asian women turn into gigantic...
You’re kewl,and you’re also Asian,awesome.I think Asian women are pretty,even though I was born on 4-20-1980.I celebrate my birthday every now and then.I just don’t say that I do ,on this site,because I trust no one,even though it should not even be an isssue.It’s just governmental bs laws,that’s screwed up,and it’s inflence on some foolish people’s...
7 tags
sexual predation
“I’m not a sexual predator so hey how u doing??”
I absolutely regret trying to be funny and putting “you’re not a sexual predator” under the Message me if box. Submitted by E.
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You... would...?
“Would I be correct in assuming you say you went to school that is really good??”
…that was the entire message. Submission.
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“Join me for good convo,laughs,and UNO”
– Submission.
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“hurt me with your rough edges.”
– Submission.
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Do YOU like being "worked over?"
You looks like a handful in all the right ways. How did you get those bruises? Do you like being worked over? I like that you will give me lip, I need that.
Submission.
5 tags
Woman + "Seeking Casual Sex" = ???
Him: wanna fuck?
Me: 4th time
Him: whats the 4th time?
Me: 4th time i've gotten that as an opening message.
Him: hah.. no way? i take it your not then if your counting
Me: my not what?
Him: huh??? are you interested in no strings attached sex or not?
Me: yes, i am! unfortunately, i'm selective and not just an open vaginaway for any dude who asks me if i wanna fuck. better luck next time, bro.
Submission.
5 tags
Thank...you?
An epiphany: Upon seeing your knee bruised photo, I got a weird erection. Not all erections are sexually enticed, mind you. Eg morning wood. It’s something to think about though, and for this, thank you.
Submission.
5 tags
Ah-nold Schwarze-never.
Listen, I realize that I am terrible with small talk too, which is fine. I was just going to stalk on your profile as I have been for the past week, while eating ice cream and masturbating with my own tears. But last night I had a dream of us holding hands hundreds of miles away from here, breaking free of this dark world, loving truly, the span of a moment, pure love unleashed. It was so great,...
7 tags
White & Asian people have an uncommonly strong...
white/asian people have an uncommonly strong bond with spiders and large insects. they’re part of the white/asian family unit. they have little seats at the dinner table, little rooms to themselves. tiny books, which they can read all at once, because of their many eyes, and white/asian people get poked fun at for this, but it’s really a beautiful tradition. endearing. if i’m to...
5 tags
“Hey nice profile. So you like tall strong guys that are well endowed?”
– Submission.