I was thinking of knocking on your door and, as you answered and opened it, walking right in, looking you in your beautiful eyes, pulling you forward with one hand behind the small of your back…then placing the other behind the soft nape of your neck. After briefly running my fingertips just behind your slightly tight neck, pulling you toward me roughly, slightly gripping your long hair to turn your head up…and then, in contrast, gently kissing your beautiful lips. Then, I gently brush my lips over the back of your neck while holding you from behind, lifting your long hair, massaging your shoulders while slowly laying my lips longer over your neck, gently kissing and nibbling you. You feel my warm fingertips over your ears, rubbing your earlobes softly between my fingers. Meanwhile, my kisses slowly move lower down your neck, letting you feel my hot breath pass over your clavicle as my fingers massage just behind your ears very softly, putting you in the beginning stages of ultimate relaxation. And, then, slightly pushing you up face first against the wall, after kicking shut the open door (no need for the whole world to see how I’m going to take you, unless you really want to)…you feel my warm most breath over your ears and I take your right ear lobe between my wet lips. And I gently suck your right, now wet, earlobe between my lips, my tongue barely dancing over it.
I gently suck your right earlobe, letting my tongue press completely against it, flicking back and forth in my mouth. I begin slowly moving my hands around your hips…pulling you back from the wall I’ve had you pressed against…and letting you feel my warmth as I press against you. My palms open, I begin running my hands ever so slowly over your stomach, gently pressing you closer to me. And I release your right lobe, move to your left ear lobe as my hands begin slowly running up the sides of your body, gently squeezing you between them.
And, I slowly begin turning you around to face me…and press you with my chest up against the wall. But, with my secretive hands behind your bra…I look deeply into your eyes…and slowly move my mouth to yours, kissing you lips-to-lips deeply, for the second time…letting you feel my hot mint-tinged breath, and, just barely, my darting tongue as I suck your lower lip. At the same time, my wandering hands unclasp your bra from behind…and then, my hands now against your shoulders, I press you to the wall. With you now wearing only your low-rise heels and skirt, my eyes take you in completely, from your tender calves up your beautiful long thighs, to your exposed bare stomach and your heaving breasts, as you breathe deeper and deeper. And, then, I place one hand in my own long sleeve buttoned shirt, tear it open, sending buttons flying everywhere…and bare chested…press myself against your heaving breasts and pointed erect nipples as I put one hand up against your back, and another over your ass and press you to me for a longer deeper kiss.
and as I kiss you…deeply, letting you feel my warm, chest pressed against your breasts, my taut stomach against yours, I break our embrace…keep you pinned against the wall…and hands over your waist, dig the tops of my fingers into your skirt. And in one motion, I drop to my knees pulling your skirt with me :)
“I find you incredibly sexy. At least as far as your OKC profile goes. You might actually be a drag and a sea donkey. But reading and checking out your pics gives me the unique sensation that I had a pull of whiskey and then was promptly hit over the head”—Sent to OKCKM.
“given a reasonable match %TAGE and your sx-n-drg-frndlyndss (From your personality chart (which I suppose one hopes is a not entirely inaccurate representation of your True Nature)), I suspect you’d find the notion of a Bedroom Rave for 2 (or perhaps more; there are gals I know who would enjoy such an event ) quite appealing… you know, music, intoxication of appropriate sorts (trip!), and as much mutually delicious debauchery as we can possibly stand….”—Sent to OKCKM.
Picture our first date… We meet at a coffee house. We awkwardly, but dutifully exchange life stories. Jesus this feels like a job interview. It’s not going well, but we decide to get a couple of drinks at the bar next door. We’re both nervous and we begin to drink a little too much… The next morning, we wake up in a quirky but run-down motel in a poorer section of Reno. You notice you’re wearing a wedding ring on your right hand and a rubber tie around your left upper arm. There’s a spent syringe still lodged, flopping to and fro, in your forearm. You look over and see me wearing nothing but a new wedding band and a white button-down shirt, covered in blood. I have an empty bottle of Glen Goolie Blue in one hand and a large silver revolver in the other. I begin to stir a little and you remove the heroin rig from your arm and make for the bathroom. You are foggily surprised to find the bodies of a heavily tattooed asian man, well-dressed, with long hair, and a young blonde girl, maybe 21, wearing the obvious and outrageous uniform of an unlicensed prostitute. They’ve obviously been shot to death, and have been here for several hours, judging by the state of the bodies and the terrible volume of blood. Stumbling back to the bedroom/living area, you turn your head from the horror, your mind reeling with confusion… Sitting on the bed next to my barely breathing, inebriated body, you gently pluck your watch from the nightstand. As you focus on your watch, the numbers begin to make a dreadful kind of sense… then it hits you. You’ve been gone for four days
“Hey sunshine would you be interested in getting together and fucking right now? Because i find you very sexy/attractive and i think we both would get a lot of enjoyment from me being inside you.”—Sent to OKCKM
Sup. You’re cute. Like a baby polar bear (sliding down a rainbow). I’m [redacted]. People like me (I think). I would like the opportunity to enhance your life with my witty repartee, perhaps accompanied with watching the latest in the Twilight film franchise?
“P.S. (and not to be weird/creepy) but you have a very warm smile; bees must follow you around attracted to the warm honey which surely exudes from your mouth.”—after an HOUR on OkCupid, 61 notifications (one of them being THIS)
What a great first message. Please, do tell me all about your horrible dates.
Nice pic! :) How was new years? Mine was alright. Well actually no it was pretty unfortunate. I had a really wierd date, from this very site no less. She actually brought another person who she said quote “..thinks he’s going on a date with me..” Hahaha yeaaa good stuff. How bout that. Life eh?
This is your chance at fame, fortune (cookie thoughts), and anonymous immortality (of course it doesn’t defeat the purpose, silly).
Submit your worst to Ok Cupid, Kill Me and you could be feeling better about your lonely, desperate life in no time, flat.
Simply buzz through your OKCupid inbox, and seek out those messages that were waaaay to creepy/awful/just sad to respond to, but waaaay too good to delete.
Then, visit our submission page and throw it into a text post if it’s a message - or if you’d like some extra shadenfreude points, screencap your favorite profiles, photos, and conversations and use the photo submit option. Just be sure you block the facial features or recognizable elements. No one wants to cry into their ice cream because they were on our website. We just want them to speculate for decades about whether or not they were publicly shamed by an anonymous source. That’s all.
Him: hello there there cinderella how are you? would you liek to chat ? or are you afraid of having a good time, grabing a bite to eat enjoying a nice chat and a few glasses of wine over sushi. Holding hands walking to the car to head back to your place. Watching a movie with the lights dimmed low,snuggled up on the couch cuddled up in each others arms not saying a word,feeling each others heart beat begining to race, not saying a word our eyes doing the talking.Our lips become one,you inhaling deeply with each kiss! I work my way around your neck softly and gently,as you close your eyes and exhale……… Mmmmm! Making our way to the bedroom were I lay you down closing your eyes once more as I continue to work my way around your neck over your beautiful breast across your belly going lower and lower! You giving me a silent command not to stop my runing your fingers through my hair, arching your back moaning,cersting your breast with your other hand. Mmmmm…….ooooooh!……As I work my way up to where our lips became one!…………….Mmmmm! ooooooh oooooh oooh im sorry did i take it to far?! lol
My response: Not far enough clearly… pretty soon it gets all hot and wet up in there… you never had it so good… 3 weeks later I call you… crying… pregnancy test in hand. You ask if I’m sure you’re the father… I call you a dick. You hang up on me. I call you back and it takes 12 calls before you finally answer. I hear a woman in the background, probably some whore you met on here. You tell me you’re sure you aren’t my baby daddy because you don’t play like that and you’re 65% sure you had a condom on… but you can’t really remember… it was a crazy night after all. Several months later I give birth to your spawn. Totally looks like you, it’s in the eyes. Your mother agrees, you tell her to shut the hell up. Ends up I have to take you to court for support. Clutching the DNA test in hand from the Maury show… you lose. You become an alcoholic and question your entire life’s purpose. You meet a hooker named Candy and she says something like “Damn son, you walked a long hard road to get to me, how about a discount?” For a loss at anything else to do you nod, quietly, sobbing into a Bud Lite… you hate Bud Lite… but you’re trying to cut back and it’s a good place to start. You ask her if she’s clean. Candy lies and doesn’t tell you she has AIDS. You find out you’ve been hit and get into a stem cell trial, I’m still waiting on last month’s check at this point, but you’re too afraid to tell me about the AIDS you just say that you made mistakes and you know now… for sure, that you should try to be a better father. You look into your son’s eyes and tell him “Be careful when writing to girls on the internet, you might want to try to get to know them as people first… or you might end up like me, alone and dying of AIDS. When I die, listen to your mother, she’s good people.”
You eventually waste away in a home, Candy by your bed (because it ends up she’s a good hooker like that). You cross to the other side full of regrets.
Him: Do fat girls make OKC accounts so that lots of horny guys on the internet can tell them that they’re beautiful despite all that twinkie eating?
Me: Ooh, rhetorical question time! Do douche-bags criticize fat girls on OkCupid to make themselves feel intelligent and superior when in reality they’re just dumb schmucks who can’t even get a girl to look at them twice?
A "set of haiku for you" is only ominous on OkCupid.
A set of haiku for you, inspired by that brutish picture…
She asked for one thing she made me promise bruises gently I obliged
She looked so angry when promises of bruises came true with such force
So from here I am not sure what direction to go. But I am good for conversations about subversion of authority, metaphysics, and perspectives on why the ocean is salty. Additionally, I am good for the adventure. I find acts of sabotage pleasurable, but acts of pleasure shouldn’t be sabotaged. Finally I know the best way to discover that the ocean is salty is to dive in, past midnight, when the water is darkest.