OkCupid, Kill Me

You’re a man.
…You’re Jewish.
…You’re extremely intelligent and you are spectacular at communication.
…You are witty and have a sarcastic/dry sense of humor, and/or know that you can handle mine.

i am this..times 100

Submitted by K.

Dude, to me, via a message:

“We can sooo try to be ultra friendly friends with shopping benefits.  Wadda ya say sugar?”

Err, I’ll see you in aisle 6?  Friends who share Costo cards? Sugar and spice and bennies are nice?

Submitted by R.

Submitted by B.

Dec 6, 2011 – 8:38pm

hi there are u DTF?I really hope so cuz u are super fine and worth my time!!

Got this gem from a dude who said he lives with his parents, doesn’t have a driver’s license (at 19?!), wants to be a professional WWE wrestler, and every single one of his pictures are with a different girl every time.

Hi my name is Mike i’m 19 from ****** I am on here looking for a woman who wants to be intimate have a sexual relationship and maybe even an actual dating relationship but i’m most importantly looking for a woman who wants to take my virginity

To which I replied, “You’re not gonna get it that way.”

He responded with

I want sex now lol. and i’m not trying to sound greedy and rude and stuff thats what i want

Hoo boy. I went to look at his profile and his first three things are

1. computer I need my computer so I can go onto dating sites like this one to talk to women so I can try to find someone to take my virginity
2. sex even though I haven’t had sex before I really want to experience it and without sex none of us would be here right now so yeah lol
3. women

I would almost feel sorry for the kid if he weren’t such a dumbass.

Submitted by B.

“While I don’t subscribe to liberaterialism, have you heard Ron swanstons theories on parks and recreation on the subject?”

Submitted by S.

Hey!

Man, I know WHAT you mean. I LOVE acronyms as WELL.

I like that Beirut is the first band you list on your PROFILE. And that Tom Waits is near the front too (I’m an oh so recent convert)

Also: great hair!

Also: hi, I’m Alan!

Received by an OKCKM editor.

Good job you won.. After taking a look at your profile.. you are the lucky girl I chose to get to know me better.. 

I like long walks on the beach, wrestling alligators under water and for fun I like to go out dancing, listening to the rhythm of our heartbeats and enjoying the music our body makes.. 

But seriously you seem like a sweet girl and i feel like there’s more to you than just a pretty face. We should be friends :) 

Submitted by E.

Disgustingly cute username. 
I was nearly blinded by your paleness. But still find you nicelooking. 
Keynes or Hayek?

Submitted by EC.